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Just a few things  

sugarNspiceX 41F  
16 posts
5/7/2020 7:12 pm
Just a few things

Welcome! Hope y' enjoy reading my thoughts and learning a bit about and my journey

A couple of days ago I posted about how things had changed in the short time since joining this site. I<b> received </font></b>a few comments and messages, some positive and some not so positive. I would just like take a minute and maybe clear some things .

First of I want say I am not upset about any comments made. I believe everyone is entitled their opinion, and if what I share causes you react I welcome that. I think we can learn from others experiences and perspectives if we remain open minded. I also want point out though that what I share is just a tiny glimpse into my life and not the whole picture. I would hope everyone would remember that before judging to harshly. There is always more to the story.

I mentioned my husband and I were not in a good spot at the beginning of this, and we weren't. I know communication is a large part of a working relationship of any kind. However both people have to be willing to speak and listen, it is never one sided. I did try and tell my husband how I felt, and was always brushed off. I'm not trying to place blame solely on him, but he will tell you much the same thing. Another part of communication is honesty. From my perspective, I was honest in telling him what I needed, and when I was not heard I started searching for another answer. When I started thinking about sleeping with someone else, I knew it was not right. I also knew something had to give. Approaching my husband with this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And yes, I had to. I will not cheat (I will address that in a bit) and I was not willing to walk away without discussing everything and exploring options. I said he wasn't happy about it, and I think that should be obvious. We had a very traditional marriage, and sleeping with others was never supposed to be a part of that. After several discussions, he did agree though. So not once have I ever been dishonest with my husband, and I have tried to communicate with him at times.

I would like say that I am not seeking attention due lack of self esteem. I may not be the most confident person, but I have never sought attention either. I prefer remain quietly in the background and have a very small circle of people. What I was seeking is simply sexual fulfillment. Without going into too much personal detail, my husband has a few medical issues which makes sex an issue. He is a very affectionate and loving man. He does treat me well, and I openly admit I am a spoiled wife. He takes pride in that. And yes, I can get myself off with toys, and do, but sometimes you just want more. I want more. I crave the touch and feel of a man. I want to lay in his arms in the afterglow and talk and laugh. I want to get away once in a while and have a nice dinner, go to a movie or out to the lake, or for a walk through a park, and enjoy conversation that doesn't revolve around the same old things. Yes it is living in a fantasy world, but why is that so bad. I know, because then the lines between reality and fantasy become blurred. You start to believe the fantasy and crave that, while losing sight of what is real. I do understand the risks. But honestly....don't most of us escape reality one way or another once in a while? I am lucky to have the husband I have. I know this, and I am not looking to escape my life. I believe that I can escape once a month and still come back to reality, and be happier in the long run for it. If I am wrong, I know there will be pain, but again in life there is always pain. Some we could have avoided, but we learn and try to do better in the future. Who's to say what will happen? Maybe not doing this will cause pain as well. The main point though is this is a decision that must be made. By my husband and myself. Yes others will be involved, but they also go into this willingly. I am not lying or hiding or leading anyone on.

Speaking of.....yes I am well aware I could get hurt by doing this, and already have a few times. I am also aware I can hurt others, and that bothers me most. I recently was in a situation in which I did hurt someone else, and I feel awful about it. That is part of what triggered my change of direction. He was hurt by my actions, or inactions as it was, and I can not change that or take it back. So I am more cautious now. I am not seeking anyone new. I have addressed this in my profile and here in the blog. There are, as I mentioned, men who I am in contact with and will remain in contact with. They are all aware of the situation. I talk with several men on here, and will continue to do so. My husband knows this as well, as we often discuss the conversations I have. I am a very open person. Despite what has been said, neither I nor my husband consider this cheating.

While on the topic.....Cheating is defined differently depending on who you are asking. (Told you I would get back to it) My first husband left me when the girl he had been seeing for two years got pregnant. I had no clue about the affair. My views on trust and cheating were altered when that happened. It took me a while to trust my current husband, but I do now, completely. He trusts me completely as well. So, how do we define cheating? This is another conversation we have had multiple times, and continue to have. The main thing.....is honesty. When I asked, he told me that as long as I tell him, and don't hide anything or lie about it, and respect our rules, it's not cheating. He said that it can not be cheating if he knows and is ok with it. So there you have it. It may not be the definition you agree with, but it works for us, and that is what matters most. He is more comfortable with me being on here and doing this now, and has said that he wants me to continue and do whatever I need for me.

I honestly don't know where I'm going from here. I don't know what the future holds. I am enjoying this journey, for the most part, and my marriage is stronger for it. I have met some interesting people, and continue to do so. I welcome your opinion and look forward to hearing from you.

As always, any questions just ask! Hope y'all have a great day! Good luck in your quest for sexual fulfillment!


Paulxx001 63M
16394 posts
5/7/2020 7:47 pm

Hey... Don't overthink things. As long as you're thinking about things and discussing things with your husband, it'll all turn out - right? 👍🍷🍷😎

sugarNspiceX replies on 5/7/2020 8:01 pm:
Thank you! I have read your previous comments, and appreciate your views and input.

jajo696 65F
2364 posts
5/7/2020 10:08 pm

Perfect !!

I intended to comment on your other blog, but life intervened.

What i was going to say is for you NOT to pay any attention to the naysayers....as noone is in your shoes...and the definition of anything lies between you and your spouse. As long as there is open communication with all involved persons, you are all adults and realize there may be consequences. So be it ...

My personal thinking is that an outside dalliance may possibly enhance the strength of the main relationship, as relying on one person to satisfy all the needs of another is unrealistic as people are living longer.

We have been socialized to stay with one person forever at all costs which breeds resentment, unfullfillment and sadness.

Reading both your posts, sounds like you have the communication thing going and my belief is with that.....all things are possible. Much Luck to you ~~

Stay Safe ~

sugarNspiceX replies on 5/8/2020 11:27 am:
Thank you so much, for your understanding, and taking the time to comment.

VenusRedux2 45F
552 posts
5/8/2020 8:20 am

I don't know if you realize this, but you're a little disjointed in what you're looking for.

Your husband's medical issues makes physical intimacy impossible. No judgements, not his fault. Hey, life happens. It could just as easily have been me. So I don't want to speak disparagingly of him.

But in your words speaking about another man:

"I want to lay in his arms in the afterglow and talk and laugh. I want to get away once in a while and have a nice dinner, go to a movie or out to the lake, or for a walk through a park, and enjoy conversation that doesn't revolve around the same old things."

So you're not looking for just for the physical. You're not looking for just sex.
And that's where things get muddled. You claim his inability to fulfill your normal and natural sexual desires is leading you to seek release elsewhere, but your solution is dating, courtship, and a relationship. That's a solution for an entirely different problem.

That now goes towards needs that are beyond sexual. Yet you're trying to discuss both (sexual needs vs relationship needs) as if they were one and the same. That's likely to end badly for all parties.

If you're not fully sure of what you're looking for, you're not likely going to ever find it. And that leaves you with a strange penis inside your body as you count the nano-seconds until he finishes and leaves. As you're using the bathroom to clean up the wet gooey mess off yourself, you'll realize (at precisely the worst time possible) that the inability to look yourself in a mirror isn't just an expression people use, you'll suddenly understand that it's absolutely true. That usually leads to a whole lot of tears and vomiting (the part of infidelity no one ever tells you about).

Or, alternately, you are sure of what you're looking for, but are using clever logic to backfill a decision you've already made … couched under a pretense of "we're discussing it honestly and openly and making a decision together." Even the most honest people will have trouble seeing that in themselves. And no matter how open and honest you allow him to be, simply by having the conversation at all you're asking him to not be the asshole who tells you no. There's no assurance he can give you that you'll ever be able to fully trust.

I don't know that you've worked through all the issues you're dealing with. You still have a lot of soul searching to do before committing to an irreversible act.

What specific need do you need met? How do you expect to find it elsewhere? And what will be keeping all this from exceeding it's intended purpose? Are you ready for unintended baggage? What will you do if feelings change (as so often happens with sex and relationships)?

sugarNspiceX replies on 5/8/2020 11:24 am:
I can see where you are coming from, but I'm not confused about what I want. I started by saying I wanted a fwb to meet once a month. I understand that this is a type of relationship. It is however a relationship based on sex. I want to be able to spend a weekend with my friend enjoying doing things for fun together, talking and having amazing sex. Then I will return home, back to my husband and my life. Prior to the lockdown, I did meet with a guy on the weekend, had a great time, and came home happy and content with my life. I am seeking sexual fulfillment, but I am not one who can have just an occasional one night stand with some random stranger. I do need to have a connection to the person. The guys I talk to understand this and are agreeable to the arrangement. I appreciate your concern, but all involved are consenting adults. As I mentioned there all always risks, and the possibility for pain, but so is life. As always, we live, learn, and try to do better in the future.
Thank you for reading, and taking time to share your thoughts
Best wishes to you!

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