The Dossier of Agent J
 
These are the not-so secret files of Agent J.
He is a terrible super spy, but he's a really good guy! So stop by and read these musings he posts. They are hilarious!
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Leave me a private message...
Posted:Feb 2, 2009 12:34 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2019 7:37 am
93959 Views

For those wanting to talk to me...

I am inviting anyone who wants to stay in contact with me to leave your private messages here. Just post them here. I will not post them or approve them so that you will not have to worry about others seeing them but you can leave your info or private messages here.


Thanks,

Agent J
0 Comments , 4 Pending
a quick update
Posted:Nov 22, 2019 12:40 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2019 3:31 pm
1394 Views

Haven't been on over a week, but I'll make this as quick as I can...

- mom is going in for surgery on Tuesday, but it's still considered , she's getting a balloongeoplasty (doctors take a small balloon and insert it in an artery to widen it to increase blood flow), so asking for prayers or good thoughts sent family's way.

- brother--law had a x-ray done his head, and the doctor discovered spots his brain. They're going have do more tests, but it's a possibility this might be a tumor his brain or possible CTE. I hope it's nothing, but doctors won't know more until more tests are done.

- this weekend is going to be a 3 day weekend, followed by a 4 day weekend the following week. If I don't get on by then, I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving weekend. I just hope family can get through this safely as well...
4 Comments
Things off the top of my head I'm thinking about
Posted:Nov 14, 2019 8:49 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2019 8:50 am
1961 Views

Mom just informed us that she's goin to have to go back in for more surgery possibly right around Thanksgiving. They discovered that the blood clot in her neck is blocking blood flow to her brain, so they'll have to set up a time soon for her to go in for surgery to remove the clot and her out. Once again, I'm scared for her and I hope she's going to pull through it. The thing that's scary is the doctors are dragging their feet on the surgery. She goes in tomorrow for an exam to check out the clot in her neck.

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I need to start saving to get enough for an apartment. However Christmas is coming, so I don't know how that's going to work out. All I can hope for is my work coming through with another sizable Christmas bonus like last year.

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Work has been really rough lately. I've got a project manager making my life pretty fucked up and he's been bugging the shit out of me every day to work on his project first before anyone else's shit, when I have 20 other people hitting me up to work on their items. I've had to bite my lip several times to keep myself from exploding at this project manager and put him in his place, because if I do lash out, then it can me my job. So for now...I'm trying my damn hardest to keep my cool, because this project manager is absolutely terrible at his job. I just have to weather the storm so that I don't have to deal with him for too much longer and finish his project.

**************

My SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is starting to get closer and I can feel it building. The good news is I've been taking off every other Monday at work, in order to burn off vacation days, and it's helping me cope. Having to work 4 days one week and 5 the next, and then back to 4 days, it's really helped with the stress.

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I have no clue what to get people for Christmas this year. I think this year...it's going to be a gift card Christmas. Less stress for me, and I can let people figure out what they want for Christmas instead of me trying to guess horribly at it.

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I'm debating on if I am going to subject myself to the madness that is Black Friday shopping. Still haven't decided, but I was thinking maybe I could myself a new 4K TV as my own gift? I dunno, though, because I still have a perfectly good working tv in my room, it's just a older 1080p TV. Which isn't that old.

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I've pretty much almost given up on online dating now. I recently had someone on Bumble that chose me, and then seconds later, unmatched with me after I saw the notification. Now it's just turned into a time-wasting thing with me because no matter who I like or chose, I'll never see them anyway. I've gotten a bit depressed over it all.

**************

I noticed that a new person here has taken over the Chicago area blogging and she's taken my title I once had. Not that I care, but she's resorted to posting porn picts and commenting on it like some of the others do here in order to inflate her profile and then all of the thirsty guys then go there to post comments. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Eh, I guess it irks me a tiny bit, but I've moved on. I got more important things to worry about than being at the top of the blogging community. Like my folks, getting a new place in the coming months, getting my bills in order, and figuring out what to do for Christmas stuff.

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I sometimes think...is this all I am? Work, , sitting at home taking care of my folks...I don't have much of a life. It's like a lot of shit is on hold. I don't know if I'm ready for someone in my life at the moment, and at other times, I'm desperate. I feel lonely at times.

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I wanted to type something funny just now after typing the paragraph above to mask the loneliness that I'm feeling at this moment, in an attempt to hide my pain and play it off as that I'm happy. Even though I am not. I sometimes do that, apply some self-depreciating humor in order to throw people off into thinking, "I'm ok", when in fact I'm not. I had to delete it, because I told myself I would be honest and not try to lie about how I'm feeling. It's not easy doing this. It's hard to admit when you're in pain, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

*************

Going to end this here. Not my life, but the post. Don't panic, I'm not wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes its easy talking about this, and other times, I just want to curl into a ball and just stop everything. Even though things don't stop. It's just me that stops. And that's not good for me. I know things are not healthy right now, but I'm trying to fix stuff. It's just not easy.
1 comment
It's No-Nut-November and I'm going to fail misterably at it
Posted:Nov 1, 2019 6:22 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2019 8:14 am
2850 Views

OK so I read that it's now No NUT November starting today. Throughout this November, guys cannot masturbate at all. You can get boners, but you can't spill the seed. You are allowed one wet dream, but that's it. If you have more than one, you fail. If you masturbate and finish the deed, you fail. If you have sex, you fail.

In which I plan on failing soon. Oh I'll try to see how long I can last, but I think I'll easily fail this one.

*******

Well I began getting info on apartments so I can plan to move out in a few months. I'm going to have to start saving a ton of in order to get an apartment in order as I have no things other than a bed, my clothes, a TV, a desk and a dresser. I'm going to have to get furniture and a whole bunch of items in order to get a livable apartment. Like plates, glasses, flatware, lamps...pretty much almost everything to furnish an apartment.
On top of that, I have to come up with 1st month's, last month's and a security just to secure the apartment. Needless to say, I've got some saving to do.

*******

Mom and dad are doing fine at least now. They got their will's set up and organized, power of attorney, and we're still working on their finances. However, they got the house appraised, and they are working on straightening out other things in the house. It's really allowed me to relax somewhat knowing that their finances are straightened around now and at least they are prepared somewhat. Plus knowing my mom's health has improved somewhat has taken some of the stress off of me.

Me on the other hand? I'm still a wreck. I need to get to a masseuse so I can work out the stress in my muscles as my body is sore and achy.

********

My had her first real breakup this week as her boyfriend she was seeing dumped her and went back to her ex. She had a rough go of it this week, so today, it's just going to be a dad and day in which I'll take her out to a nice restaurant so we can talk and catch up. Hopefully I can talk to her and see what I can do to her forget her ex and she can move on. It was weird though, because I had to give her the cliché catchphrases in order to her move along, when I myself am lonely and I could use someone in my life. It worked, but still, it felt odd.

********

Well that's all I got for now. Again I'll try to stay regular for posting if I can.
2 Comments
A little bit of good, a little bit of bad...
Posted:Oct 23, 2019 10:59 am
Last Updated:Oct 23, 2019 11:00 am
3427 Views

Well...I wanted it be uneventful and quiet, but I see that's not going happen. First off, my apologies, it's been a while and I've been busy with a lot of stuff.

First off, the good...

My mom got her update on her cancer situation, and the news is very good. 99 percent of the cancer is all but gone, and all that remain are small cellular pockets of cancer cells left. Which means...she's beaten the cancer....again...for the 3rd straight time. Unbelievable. Which is incredible news and a huge weight off of my shoulders for now.
Here's the bad...unfortunately the blood clot has moved and is partially blocking a major artery of blood flow in her neck her brain. So...come November, she is going in for surgery again, but this time remove the clot. It's a dangerous procedure and this could be deadly. So they are going have go in and get the clot out somehow or...if that's not possible, set up some type of bypass or expand her artery. Scary stuff. I don't know how she's coping with it, but she's one tough mama.

To add to this, she and my dad also got their will's in order, so that is another thing that's off the list of things to do. Which is great news. And we're working on another family meeting in order to help them with their finances and continue work on the house to get it sold and straightened around for sale. We've already painted the kitchen and cleared out a ton of junk out of the garage and downstairs sub-basement. So work is moving along getting them prepared for the move eventually. So there's some more good there.

Here's some more bad...my ex-wife had a major heart attac It was so bad, they had put in stents in her arteries in order get past the blockages her heart. What's worse, she told my not tell about it at all, and I didn't know until 3 days after she had been released from the hospital. Which is fucking ridiculous, and I was really upset at the fact that she made the not tell that had happened.
Now you're probably asking yourself, "J, why do you even care?"
Well, regardless of my feelings for her, she's still the mother of my . I still have some feeling for her, although it's not anything do with love. More like I respect her and want her be o I don't want ever have hate anyone in my life, so I would never wish ill will on her. However, its still bothersome at times and she can be a royal pain in my ass, but again, I never want hate someone. I don't have time invest in hate for someone when I'd rather be working on fixing myself.

On a different note...I was seeing someone for a while. I thought that this person was someone I could develop a relationship with, however, she told me that she is just focusing on herself and her family and her own situation at the moment. Which stinks because I really found some potential in her, but I don't think that's going to happen now.
It's a bit frustrating because I don't know why, but I seem to fall for people that are not able to love me or they are not capable of loving someone, whether that's at that moment or ever. It's caused me to take a step back from this person and assess if I'm even ready for a relationship or love for that matter. I know I'm capable of loving someone, but I feel that I need to take a bit to sit and think about finding someone that is capable of loving me as well, aka finding the right person who is emotionally available.

Anyway, my mom's birthday is on Friday, and I'll be working on focusing on that. Plus as things are moving closer to the holidays and the new year, I need to start getting on doing some research of finding either a condo or an apartment up by my work and see what is available to me. It's going to take some time, but I really need to probably focus on myself and not on finding a relationship at the moment.

Needless to say, with my life, it's either a little bit of good or a little bit of bad.
Good - I went from 252 lbs. to 222 lbs, dropping 30 pounds.
Bad - I dropped it because of the extreme amount of stress I've been going through and my appetite has dropped like a rock to where I'm not eating or eating very little.

I can't seem to have a bunch of good news hit me all at once, ya know?

Well that's all I've got for now. I'll hopefully get back to posting regularly if I can.
1 comment
Get your shit together people!
Posted:Oct 8, 2019 12:38 pm
Last Updated:Oct 10, 2019 8:37 am
4680 Views

Ok, so that title might make it look like I'm mad at the people who are reading this...and...you would be wrong. I'm not.

But man, I didn't realize how bad my parent's financial situation was until recently. But first a bit of backstory here...

When my Dad's Grandparents were living in Arizona, they moved out there to get away from the family and live their lives. The only problem...they developed Alzheimer's. When my dad was trying to get them into a senior home to have themselves taken care of, my dad questioned my grandfather and asked him about his and his will, in order get things straightened out in the event of his death. My grandfather, so greatly affected by this, told my father he had no . So what happened, he had no other option but turn my parents over and wards of the state in Arizona, and they were taken into a home to be cared for. There was only one problem with this...because my grandfather's Alzheimer's was so bad, he didn't know that he had 200k in the ban So...the state seized all of the of my grandparents. And no one in our family got a dime of the . That could have been used help our family provide for them the care they needed. Instead, no one in the family got a dime, and the state took everything.

My entire family on my father's side felt betrayed. And we got nothing, with the exception of a few momento's and pictures that my father at least had the presence of mind to take ahead of time, otherwise those would have been gone as well.

It's not that my dad wanted the . But when my dad questioned him, my grandfather went into hysterics, saying that's all he cared about, when that was the furthest thing from his mind. He just wanted the best for his dad in his final years. Instead, my grandfather, fueled by fear his family would take everything away from him, neglected to tell anyone in the family about the amount of they had.

Fast forward now.

Now my dad is getting older. I can start see his memory is starting get bad, like my grandfather before him. And his situation is not good. So I questioned my dad about his finances and his will and where can we find his documents in case he passes, he just told me not to worry about it. Well, I could see history repeating itself. At least I learned the lessons my dad and mom are wanting to ignore. So my sisters and I took a look at his will's and his finances. And it shocked us to the core. He's nearly broke and living off of social security with a small insurance policy and barely anything but the house he has. He's pretty much house poor is what to call it. All he has is some stock, his house, and a mountain of debt, and his so called will for him and my mom, the will isn't even legal.

Once again...the cycle has been passed from grandfather to father, and from father to . And my mother....she's oblivious to everything and she lives in a fantasy land, refusing to accept anything, thinking everything is ok when it's not.

The only saving grace to this is...had my father not had his stroke episode a couple weeks ago, and we had not had a family meeting in order to deal with this, we would have never known. What's worse, the will would not have been legal, and if one of them had died, the estate would have gone to the other. But if both of them had died, 1/3rd of the estate would have gone to the government and their estate would have been taken over by the government.

So...now we're in the process of trying to fix all of this. Get them will's, set up power of attorneys for financial and medical documents, set up DNR documents. It's a process, and one in which my folks seem to be dragging their heels on. They don't want to do this, because it's depressing to them.

I understand that....but....if you saw your grandparents screw over my dad, how can you do this to your own ? How in good conscience allow the cycle to continue?

Which leads me to me. I'm gathering up my documents now. I'm working on getting them all together so that I can set up my own will for my , to make sure they are taken care of now, instead of waiting. I need to do this so that I can break the cycle. I'll be honest, my financial situation isn't great either, but I still need to do it.

Once I do this, things will get better for me and in the process, I want to make sure my folks are taken care of as well for their own security.

But since I'm posting this about myself, I wanted to share this experience with all of you who are reading this post. Don't wait until it's too late. Make sure you have all of your documentation set up ahead of time. Get that will made out. Make sure your orders are documented, so if you have a stroke and can't function, people who care about you can follow your orders that are pre-set to prevent people from abusing your estate. In short, get your shit together, before it becomes too late and you cause more harm to your family because you were too lazy or too stubborn to do something about it.
4 Comments
A return to boring, and for right now, I need boring
Posted:Oct 1, 2019 11:54 am
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2019 9:13 am
5140 Views

Well this past weekend, I actually didn't do much this weekend. I was planning on getting my folks to visit a senior center to see if they liked it. However that was before I found that this place wanted 4700.00 a month for a tiny ass one bedroom apartment with assisted living. WTF? And a 2 bedroom was running for 6 grand. $6000.00 for a 2 bedroom apartment? That's crazy! Who the fuck has 6 grand a month to burn for assisted living? It was a major shock to the system, but if it's like that now, what's it going to be like when I get old?

So obviously that didn't work , which means going to have to get my folks to start looking a 2 bedroom condo nearby that suits their needs better. I will say however this isn't easy. But we've been working to help my folks get their stuff together and working on getting them to a lawyer to work on their wills and documentation. It's a process, but it's going along I guess.

This weekend though as I said, I didn't do much. I did go gambling again, but that didn't work as well as I thought, and I broke even. I did however play for over 2 hours straight the blackjack tables, and I would lose , and then win back and then lose back and win again. I did that about 4 times before I decided to it even and run with nothing. Mostly, it was just wasted time, but better I broke even than losing 200-300 dollars.

I think though that the best is things are starting to return to...well, I won't say normal. I will say things are beginning to get boring. Now for some, boring is dull, but for me, because things were so crazy with my mom's chemo and my dad's stroke issues he had recently, boring....well, boring is ok for the moment. I've been focused however on going through my paperwork, getting rid of old shit, and removing clutter from my life and my stuff. I've went through old clothes and donated them to get rid of extra clothing I don't need. Thinning the wardrobe, in order to get rid of old things I don't need anymore. The reason is that if going to have to move in several months, the less I have to move, the better. If I can get rid of the things I don't need now, I'll have less to focus on for when I move into my new place.

But for right now, for it being boring is ok with . I don't need any excitement in my life right now. I just want to relax, take my time with my folks, and worry about getting my life together. I just hope things stay quiet for a bit so I can focus on myself.
3 Comments
FIXING THE BROKEN
Posted:Sep 25, 2019 11:21 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2019 7:22 am
5561 Views

Every now and again, people have problems. Dear lord, I know I've had my share of them as of late. But I've been doing my part to help fix the broken. Not only in myself, but my family as well.

My family, while we love each other, we do a poor amount of communicating between myself, my sisters, and my mom and dad. I wish it was better, but we've been highly dysfunctional for a while now. However, sometimes a negative, like my dad's mini stroke episode, can be turned into a good thing.

I asked my sisters to have a family meeting. And while my oldest sister couldn't make it, because she had developed pneumonia and was hospitalized for a couple of days, my youngers sisters came over, and we had a sit down meeting with my mom and dad. Now my dad is ok with finances, but my mom, while she is a good person and has a kind heart, she's got the mental faculties of a 12 year old. The chemo has also contributed to some medical memory problems and caused for a lot of trouble. But her handling her bills....she was living well past her means and banking on my dad to handle all of the bills, yet not contributing to the money situation.

SO....we had a sit down meeting, and discussed a lot of things. Like that their living will situation was highly outdated, to where they hadn't done their wills in over 18 years. So my sisters and I are working to contact a lawyer to update and do all of their paperwork. Setting up their wills, powers of attorney for medical and financial situations, DNR paperwork (do not recessutate) so they can die in peace and not have to be in a coma for months on end, plus we checked on their finances so we can organize them. We also talked about getting them moved to a new 2 bedroom apartment or condo, so that they can have their own smaller place and not have to deal with a multi-floor house to take care of. No more weeding, lawn care, maintaining the house, cleaning it, going up and down stairs and be on a solid level 1st floor...stuff like that.

Now while my dad was ok with it, my mom was stubborn. She wants to die in the house, and doesn't want to give up all of the memories. Which the way she's crawling up and down the stairs now...she'll slip and fall and kill herself if that happens. Eventually this turned into an intervention for my mother, confronting her with her out of control bills, the inability to clean the house, do her own laundry, and barely being able to cook for herself.

In short, my mother thought we were all attacking her and that she didn't have a say in anything, but after we told her that the strain that she was putting on my father was evident, she relented and we asked her to be a part of this instead of forcing her to accept it. It wasn't easy, because she felt like we were treating her like a . And in fact, we are. She's not capable of taking care of herself, so we need to get her into a senior living apartment center in order to better help her get herself straightened out with my dad. And my dad....he coddles her. It's not easy dealing with parents at the end days of their lives, it really isn't. But I honestly believe we turned this negative into a positive and things are beginning to roll forward and I can see things are getting easier for my folks.

On another note...all of this has gotten me to realize that I don't have anything like this set up for my . So I've been beginning to get the ball rolling for myself to help me set up this stuff for myself as well. You never know when your last day on Earth will be, so doing this now will make things easier for my down the road when my time comes.

The point being....it's not easy to tackle the hard stuff. At best, all you can do is work on what you can work on and help to fix yourself. Sometimes, it's hard to be motivated to do the work, or procrastinate because you think you have time to do it. But when an emergency hits, are you prepared? Can you handle the hard stuff? We go through our lives thinking care free for the most part. But I can now see, it's easy to fix the broken when you pay attention the warning signs and do what you can to prepare for the worst. The old saying....an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of care.

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Speaking of broken, my mom is finally going through the last chemo treatment this week. We're happy it's coming to an end, but in a couple of weeks, we'll know the test results and hope that the chemo killed off the cancer for my mom.

*****************

And speaking of more broken, my ex wife isn't talking to me. That could be a blessing or a curse. However, last week I did see my . And we had a long talk about their mom and how she handled things as of late. I told my that while I was highly upset and mad at their mom for how she handled things, I hope that going forward, things would be changing in how I wouldn't be dealing with her as much. Of course, because she's mad at me, she ended up taking it out on the , specifically my . She said that my 's attitude was getting bad, so she grounded my for two weeks. That was last week, so I hope this week, my ex can get her head out of her ass. She knows that she can't get to me anymore, so she takes her aggression and attitude out on the . That and I found out from the that she dumped her current boyfriend, so she's not getting any and she's alone again. Not that I care about her love life, but when she gets in these moods, she then takes it out on the with her bad attitude and she's a pistol to get along with. I had to have a talk with my and and explain to them as much as I want them in my life, I can't take care of them because of my folks with their problems.

I'm hoping this will all change soon though, because the sooner I can get my folks into either an apartment or condo in a senior living center, I can get my own place and maybe work on getting partial custody of the . It's all a work in progress right now. Everything is a work in progress, and all I can do...is keep trying to fix the broken in my life. But hey, aren't we all a bit broken?
4 Comments
THE WEEK FROM HELL
Posted:Sep 17, 2019 7:23 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2019 1:30 pm
6345 Views

Last week was not a good week. I would probably rate it as one of the worst weeks I've ever had of my entire life.

It started Wednesday evening...

My dad who had some problems with migraine headaches and dizziness asked me to check him into the hospital. When we got there his blood pressure was 214/165. So they admitted him into the hospital in order to help him slowly drop his blood pressure down, because they couldn't bring it down rapidly because it could have caused a heart attack or a stroke.
Because of this, I had to take off two days for Thursday and Friday and cancel all of my scheduled work for the weekend that was supposed to happen for Saturday as well. Luckily I have a great boss who understood and told me to take the time needed to be with my dad and my family.

What made this worse however was my ex wife. She insisted that I while my dad was in the hospital and I was taking care of him on Friday, that I drive up to her house, 50 miles away from the hospital, and drop off the support for her in cash that day. I had first asked her if I could come Saturday or Sunday instead, because I needed time with my dad as I was picking him up from the hospital that day. She insisted that I drop it off that day, and told me that I shouldn't be shirking my parental responsibilities to pay her the support. And that's when I snapped. Of course, it was Friday the 13th, a full moon was out and I just fucking let loose on my ex wife for being an uncaring, un-sympatric bitch who only cared about money. I ripped into so hard that she threatened to call the police on me for being violent and that I would never see my again.

What was worse was while I was at the hospital with my dad, my got wind of everything and was asking what was going on. So I had to explain everything that was happening and in the process, I emotionally lost it. I started to cry over the phone and trying to explain to her that her mother threatened to take her and her brother away from me. I tried to regain my composure, but in the middle of the call I emotionally lost it, broke into tears and told her I would have to call back later.

Saturday, because of all of the stress, I went to go an AA meeting in order to help me feel better and deal with the stress. A couple of the people even after the meeting asked me to go with them out to dinner afterwards, but for some reason, I declined because I wanted to get back to the house. Something was telling me to go home early. And I'm glad I listened to that inner voice.

As I got home, my dad was there and he seemed normal when I got home around 7:30PM. I went upstairs, and around 9PM I then I heard my mom screaming for help. My dad had fallen over and he was complaining he was dizzy again. We tried to get him to sit up, and then he rolled over and say he couldn't get up. And then...his face drooped on the left side. He couldn't talk, had problems breathing, and he couldn't move his left side. I think he was having a stroke.

I immediately called 911, and the local fire department came with paramedics to help him out. They got him to the ambulance, and they said he threw up in the ambulance. Afterwards, they got him to the nearest hospital, and by the time we got in there, we saw my dad. At first he looked normal, even talking normal. But then, he had a second seizure/attack/stroke I guess, and it was so bad, that his blood pressure dropped to 70/34. He almost died in emergency, but thank god for the emergency staff at the hospital, as they were able to keep him from getting worse and they restored his vital signs back to normal. So for the second time in one week, he was back in the hospital.

Yesterday, they released my dad again. 6 days, 2 different hospitals, and right now...my stress levels are through the roof. The only sort of saving grace is...I'm at work now. And today...although I still have a lot of work to do here...it's quiet. I never would have thought to say this, but I am glad I'm at work now. Because things here are where I can escape my family life for the moment and focus on work. I am emotionally shutting down for a bit and focusing on work. I know that's not healthy. But it's allowing me to return to somewhat of a normal setting. If there is such a thing.

As for my ex wife, I haven't called her. I did speak to my , and I apologized for worrying her, and telling her that her grandfather is ok now. However, I am still somewhat of a wreck emotionally. I'm still worried about my dad and my mom. What's worse is my mom health has worsened. Her blood platelet level was at an all time low and they had to postpone chemo treatment #12, her last one because her levels were too low.

I honestly do not know how much more I can take of this. So much so, that I asked to my sisters to come over on Thursday for a family meeting. I need help, so I hope that my sisters can provide some extra help and work to get the family back to a normal order. I can't keep taking care of them anymore. I need some help.

I'm tired. I feel emotionally dead inside. And above all other things...I felt like I almost lost my dad last week. But that's ALMOST. My dad is still alive. And I am so grateful to God that he's still alive. But part of me is still terrified. I also saw my dad near death's door. It not only scared me for my dad, but for me as well and for my . This past week, my mortality scared me. I thought of myself, and how it might affect my if I were to pass away.

Right now there is so much to think of and I everything is just flooding in at the moment of stuff to do and things I need to handle. I just hope I can handle it.
2 Comments
A well needed weekend
Posted:Sep 9, 2019 8:20 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2019 5:57 am
6974 Views

So this Friday I spent some well deserved time with my and helped to celebrate my 's th birthday. I ended up taking my to Uncle Julio's Mexican Restaurant, which was really good Mexican food. The food was very fresh, and the had a great time. My also wanted the chocolate piñata, and when he cracked it open, a bunch of fruit and cinnamon churro bites, covered in super sweet chocolate and caramel sauce. The loved it, but one bite of chocolate, and it felt like my teeth were about to rot out of my skull, it was sooooooo sweet!
Afterwards, I informed him he was getting a Mr. Beast hoodie for his birthday. If you don't know, Mr. Beast is a youtube artist does some crazy giveaway based from his merchandise store. Plus they are fairly entertaining to watch. I also got him some new Yeezy slippers and A new Star Wars Porg Lego set. Finally I got him what he was most looking forward to, a minute table massage. (the wanted one so he could feel like royalty and he loved every minute of it!)

Saturday, I spent most of the day relaxing and I had an excellent day taking it easy. Saturday evening, I spent it just watching television and being a bum in bed. I really didn't do much. I also tried to call my this weekend to see what he got from his mom for his birthday, but he was busy and I didn't get a hold of him until Sunday night. He got a board game and a card game he wanted called Exploding Kittens. I hear it's a funny game.

Sunday, I did some laundry, some cleanup around the house, took out the garbage, and also ran out to get my folks some Subway for lunch. Afterwards, I watched some Netflix and binged on some Anime.

For the most part it was a quiet weekend, but well needed rest, because the next couple of weekend are going to be busy with me trying to get a lot of work done.

Plus next Monday is going to be the start of a final rough week as my mom does her last chemo treatment. I'll be glad when it's over, because to see the toll this has taken on my mom has been extremely rough and highly stressful. I know it's been worse for her, being in constant pain, but I'll be glad when it's over. Plus I'll be looking forward to focusing on other things, but this has been a tough thing all around.

It's been hard watching my mom go through this, but I hope in the end, it will this cancer for her and she can battle through this and come out on top. With Holloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas rapidly approaching, I'm looking forward to better times ahead.
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It's been a while
Posted:Sep 5, 2019 6:36 am
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2019 1:04 pm
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Sorry for the absence. The past couple of weeks have been...active.

I've had work 3 Saturdays in a row the past few weeks, but this past weekend was a 3 day, and I spent those 3 days getting as much rest as possible.

My mom had chemo treatment #11, which means one more go. She gets that in mid-September. After that, she has that 3 month break.

My dad also this week got into the hospital, as his blood pressure was at 224/165. It was really high, and my dad was so much in a fog that he drove himself to the hospital and forgot which one he was in as he couldn't remember which one he was at. (The area had two hospitals nearby so both of them were close, but he didn't know which one he was at) It was a bit scary seeing my dad like that, as he's normally healthy. We think the stress of my mom's condition might have caused him to be so highly stressed that he needed to go to the hospital to deal with the stress and they gave him a migraine cocktail medicine to help him with the stress and the headaches he was having.

The added stress hasn't been good for me either. Yesterday I was so stressed out from my dad being in the hospital, that I collapsed from the stress myself, and while I was at work, I slumped in one chair and put my feet up in another chair and pass out and took a nap for 2 hours. I normally don't do that, but I needed that nap.

The only good things as of late is that this Friday is my 's 14th birthday. I'm looking forward to helping him have a great birthday.
The other thing that happened this Labor Day weekend is that I did something I normally never do, and that's I went the a gambling casino to some blackjack, which is my favorite game. The best part is...I won 285 bucks after playing a couple of shoes of blackjack. That was last Friday. I then went again on Labor Day evening, since the family didn't do much on Labor Day, and played and this time I won 630 dollars. So this weekend, I made 915 dollars playing blackjack. I'm still stunned that I actually won that much. My luck is never that good. So far I've put most of that into my bank and it's still there as I'm holding on to it as a buffer in my bank account as I have my bills paid off for this week, and I'm not sure what to do with it.

Right now, I'm at work. My thoughts are at this point a jumbled mess. Dealing with all of the work, my folks, my family and , the stress...I'm not 100 percent at the moment. But I'm still here. I'm still alive. Got all my fingers and toes and got on a clean pair of underwear. Well, somewhat clean. I think I put on yesterday's underwear. But it's still clean! I guess for now, all I want is some peace and quiet. Which is my I haven't blogged recently. I think me taking a break is well needed. So today, I'm just going to get through it, and catch the Bears vs. Packers tonight and hope the Bears trounce the Pack at home. Looking forward to the game and some relaxation with my folks.

Thanks for reading!
2 Comments
I'm feeling like the creepy old man now...
Posted:Aug 19, 2019 9:37 am
Last Updated:Aug 23, 2019 6:15 am
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So this past week has been full of stuff at work the end of the week I put in 61 hours. 21 hours of overtime is good for the paycheck but not good for the body. On top of , I forgot I purchased a to see the Crystal Method at the Bottom Lounge in downtown Chicago for Saturday evening. And I still had to work on Saturday. So I hoped my work on Saturday would be short, but it wasn't, and it dragged on from 8 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon. I got back home, showered, and tried to take a quick nap until 5PM to relax. I ended up waking up at 5M. I then had to get grab a pizza for my folks so they could eat, got back, did a quick change, out the door and drive downtown. I then grabbed dinner downtown at Lou Malnatti's, probably the best damn deep dish pizza in Chicago. If you are ever in Chicago, stop at Lou's, it's the best. I scarfed down pizza and made it over to the Bottom Lounge so it could open up around 8PM, which in turn I found out the doors opened at 9PM and I saw a DJ do the opener for the show. It was ok.

Now, while I was there, I saw a really cute nerdy woman there. She was wearing a cute summer skirt with glasses, and she had a great set of breasts, man she made my heart swoon.. She looks a bit young, but man was she hot. And I wanted to approach her so badly to say hello and introduce myself. I found myself staring at her a couple of times and I think she might have been staring at me. But then I realized, maybe she's staring at me because I look like a creepy old man. I wanted to with all my heart to walk up and say hello to her, just to introduce myself, talk to her, but my social anxiety just wouldn't let me do it. I felt really bad, like I was a failure. And later, her friends showed up and she wasn't alone anymore. What's worse was one her friends was a guy, and he kept hugging her, so I figured out later she probably wasn't alone. But...I'll never know. I never went up to her, said hello, never stepped forward and took my shot. I'll never know if he was just her friend or if was her boyfriend.

Anyway, the show though was pretty good, but the other thing I noticed was it was 1AM and even though the show ended, I was exhausted. My legs hurt from standing for hours watching the show and dancing, and I made it back to the car exhausted. the time I got in at 2AM, I barely had enough energy to strip my clothes and shoes off and flopped into the bed and passed out. I didn't get up out of the bed until noon, which I never sleep late.

While the show was amazing, I felt like a failure this weekend. An old, creepy exhausted failure. And for Sunday, I still had to catch up on stuff like laundry, cooking dinner for my folks, doing the bills, and trying to get stuff cleaned up and set up for this week. In the end, my only day off on Sunday was me working my butt off in order to get ready for another long work week as I have to work this weekend as well.

Anyway, 's my weekend in a nutshell. How was yours?
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